Oops. Excuse me. Sorry.
Yes, I’m one of those subway riders caught off guard by every little herk-and-jerk of the train. So, sure, I’ve bumped into more than a few folks. Never hard or anything. But it’s terribly embarrassing. Like: “Dude … stand much?”
See, some standees can just chill, arms crossed, and ride comfortably along as the train brakes, accelerates, brakes, brakes, accelerates, brakes, brakes, accelerates … and that’s just leaving the station platform. Me? Not sure if it’s my center of gravity or what — I’ve always had pretty good balance otherwise — but I’m hanging on with both hands and looking for a third foothold. It doesn’t make me a bad person.
But it does make those people a problem.
You know who I mean. The leaners, the huggers, the bouncers and, yes, the smearers (ewww). Monopolizing the steel support poles that run down the center of the car and/or frame the door. So the rest of us have to seek a handhold on the ceiling, the wall or, egads, each other.
The leaners: Usually guys, leaning with their backs against the pole, legs spread wide to accommodate their maleness. You could grab the pole above their heads or below their butts. No thank you. I’m just glad they’re comfy.
The huggers: Usually women using the pole as protection against people pushing or rubbing against them — often with good reason. (Guys, guys, guys …) See, they’ve got some wiggle room if they sort of drape themselves around the pole. Again, there are spots to grab knee high or up top, but why? You’ll just look like a perv or something.
The bouncers: These are folks — of both sexes — sort of rolling with the flow of the train, zoning out to the iPod. Slack, you know? So the train speeds up and they drift away from the pole a little, then let their bodies softly bounce off it during braking. Other riders can’t get a hand in edgewise without accidentally copping a feel.
The smearers: Wipe nose, grab pole. Pick teeth, grab pole. Grab pole (guys, please!), scratch, grab pole. Yuck. I mean really, seeing this stuff can put you so off your subway standee game that you’ll take a seat from a pregnant lady just to avoid all oddly warm, slick metal surfaces. Am I right?
Maybe that’s why the chillers learned to balance so well.
Hey, I’m working on it, OK?
Tags: commuter blog, DC Metro, humor blog, Shop Boy
