You always know where you stand aboard a Washington, D.C., subway train.
Because the conductor keeps telling you every five seconds.
Now, we rode the subway about every day we lived in New York City. And in all that time, never once were we informed of anything via the loudspeakers. Oh, they were constantly droning on, but everything coming out of them sounded like the digitized, indecipherable voice of the teacher in a Charlie Brown TV special. Never understood a word.
In D.C., we hear everything clear as a bell, which is good in concept.
I mean, a little info’s great. But since they know they’ve got a captive audience, it seems each of the conductors is obsessed with polishing the dulcet tones of his or her rap.
“Good morning, and welcome aboard the Metro Transit System. Please move to the center of the train car to allow passengers behind you to board as safely and quickly as possible. Please be courteous and observe the priority seating signs above seats that are reserved for the elderly and the disabled. Doors are closing. Please stand clear of the closing doors. (Ka-Thump.) Your next stop is Metro Center, transfer point to the Blue and Orange lines on the lower level. Orange Line in the direction of Vienna/Fairfax and New Carrollton stations. Blue Line in the direction of Largo Town Center and Franconia/Springfield. Doors will open on the right-hand side of the train at Metro Center. Metro Center, next. Thank you for choosing Metro Rail.”
No, um, thank you, I think. A stop later:
“THIS is Gallery Place/Chinatown, YOUR stop for the Verizon Center on the street level, your final transfer point to the Green Line in the directions of Branch Avenue and Greenbelt. Yellow Line in the direction of Huntington and Fort Totten. Passengers on the platform: Please step back to allow customers to exit the train in a safe and speedy manner. Please spread out and use all available doors. There are six cars on this train, each equipped with three open doors. Departing passengers: Please be sure you have all your personal items, please keep children close and well in hand, please be aware that there is a gap between the subway car and the platform and do have a pleasant day. Welcome aboard Metro Rail …”
Honestly. One sing-songy barrage barely ends before the next begins. Oh, and then comes the kicker.
“JOO-DISH-OO-WARY Square is next. Please make sure you have all personal belongings before leaving the train at JOO-DISH-OO-WARY Square. Doors will open on the right at JOO-DISH-OO-WARY Square … Thank you for choosing Metro Rail. The time is now 9:08 a.m.”
I’ve informed Mary that, should I ever begin pronouncing Judiciary Square as JOO-DISH-OO-WARY, she should shoot me with a tranquilizer gun, burn my Metro card and force me to spend a week strapped to a loudspeaker in the New York City subway system for deprogramming.
Then again, I might go voluntarily.
Tags: commuter blog, humor, Mary Mashburn, Shop Boy, Washington subway
